Janis Lane, president of the Central Mississippi Tea Party
My fellow Americans, can I have a moment of your time?
It would appear that, following yesterday’s leaking of a video that shows me effectively writing off half the nation’s voters, we can pretty safely say my presidential campaign has come to an end. Oh, technically it may still exist, sure, but let’s be honest with each other: It’s all over. And I have fully accepted that reality.
So, with that in mind, I would like to use my few remaining weeks in the public spotlight to tell the nation all about a truly great religious organization called the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
You see, folks, I speak to you now not as the Republican Party’s failed nominee for the presidency, but as an ordinary American whose life has been changed by the vision of a very special man named Joseph Smith.
Tom Head, a county judge in Lubbock, Texas, plunged far out into the periphery of anti-President Barack Obama conspiracy theories on Monday, pushing a particularly outrageous one as justification for a tax increase in the county.
Head told FOX34 that Lubbock’s law enforcement needed extra tax dollars in order to be prepared for a full-scale uprising, which he said could be a byproduct of Obama’s reelection. According to Head, the president is seeking to sign a variety of United Nations treaties that will effectively take precedent over domestic law.
“He’s going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the U.N., and what is going to happen when that happens?” Head asked. “I’m thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we’re not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we’re talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy.”
Head continued, delving deeper into his hypothesis and claiming that he was prepared to join the hypothetical resistance.
"Now what’s going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He’s going to send in U.N. troops. I don’t want ‘em in Lubbock County. OK. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say, ‘You’re not coming in here,’" the judge said. "And the sheriff, I’ve already asked him, I said, ‘You gonna back me?’ He said, ‘Yeah, I’ll back you.’ Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me."
Kripke resigns as report alleges that he faked results of thought experiments
Saul Kripke resigned yesterday from his position as Distinguished Professor of Philosophy at the CUNY Graduate Center. While similar allegations have been circulating in unpublished form for years, a team of philosophers from Oxford University has just released a damning report claiming that they were systematically unable to reproduce the results of thought experiments reported by Kripke in his groundbreaking Naming and Necessity. The team, led by Timothy Williamson, first became suspicious of Naming and Necessity after preliminary results raised questions about related work by Hilary Putnam. While the group was initially unable to confirm that water is H2O on Twin Earth, the results turned out to be due to contaminated research materials—one of the researchers’ minds had been contaminated by Chomskyan internalist semantics.
Since 1969, Daniel Dennett has turned philosophers’ names into usable words in the Philosophical Lexicon. Some of my favorites:
buber, v. To struggle in a morass of one’s own making. “After I defined the self as a relation that relates to itself relatingly, I bubered around for three pages.” Hence buber, n. one who bubers. “When my mistake was pointed out to me, I felt like a complete buber.”
derrida, n. A sequence of signs that fails to signify anything beyond itself. From a old French nonsense refrain: “Hey nonny derrida, nonny nonny derrida falala.”
frege, n. (only in the idiom, to beg the frege) To acknowledge the inconsistency of one’s position but maintain it anyway.
heidegger, n. A ponderous device for boring through thick layers of substance. “It’s buried so deep we’ll have to use a heidegger.” Also useful for burying one’s own past.
hume, pron. Indefinite personal and relative pronoun, presupposing no referent. Useful esp. in writing solipsistic treatises, sc. “to hume it may concern.”
immanuel, n. (from im-, not, + manual, guide or rulebook) A set of instructions for doing something that kant (q.v.) be done.
kripke, adj. Not understood, but considered brilliant. “I hate to admit it, but I found his remarks quite kripke.”
marcuse, v. To criticize vehemently from a Marxist perspective. “Je marcuse!”
wittgenstein, v. To enumerate. “Don’t bother to wittgenstein all these pages; the fax machine will do it automatically.”
A Republican member of the Indiana General Assembly withdrew his bill to create a pilot program for drug testing welfare applicants Friday after one of his Democratic colleagues amended the measure to require drug testing for lawmakers.