Resolutions:

• I will learn where people buy toilet paper and stop stealing packs from my parents’ house.
• I will stop actively rooting for the funniest candidates to win the Republican nomination.
• I will not make fun of people who pronounce foreign words correctly.
• I will not get frustrated when my parents put their iPhones in unnecessary protective cases.
• I will make things that don’t include any fart jokes.
• I will not spend my entire shower acting out imaginary arguments.
• I will not buy any new gadgets to help me shave, make coffee, or drink whiskey. I can do these things already.
• I will be on time to things even if I have to wake up early.
• I will use public transportation more often, even though I’m embarrassed that I don’t know how the bus works, and have no idea how to pay other than emptying my pockets in front of the bus driver and saying, “I have this many.”

 Previously: 2010, 2011

2 months ago   |  45 notes